Ubi Lapsus Quid Feci
by Normryl
Summary: Final Part now posted! Murdock is languishing in the POW camps in Nam and is about to meet three men who'll change his life forever.
1. Chapter 1

Title: _Ubi Lapsus Quid Feci_

Author: Therm PG-13

Disclaimer: I do not own any characters within this story nor do I make a profit.

Summary: Murdock is in a POW camp and he meets some interesting people.

Warning: Mentions of torture although nothing graphic, swearing throughout.

Notes: The song mentioned here is the gorgeous 'Out Of Sight' by Spiriualized. HUGE thanks to Meg for betaing this story for me. You're a star.

_'Where Have I Fallen,_

_What Have I Done?'_

'Out of sight is always out of mind,'

I wonder.

Do those other guys in their shitty little cages think about me while I'm in here?

Do they forget me as soon asthey drag me off, just grateful it's not them?

Or maybe, the reason I always get taken is because no one else but the VC notices me.

Can't blame 'em there though. I'm trouble and right now, I'm in trouble.

Again.

Actually, trouble is an understatement.

The thing about all this is, I do have secrets. Not like piloty secrets, I have the big ones that they think we have.

The VC have a crazy notion that us pilots have all this information about the CIA and I do.

It's not like I'm some huge secret agent for them, but I've worked for them and I know stuff. Not really important stuff, but if they ever found out I worked for the CIAmy life wouldn't be worth living. Not that it's a hoot and a holer right now.

But one big thing the VC don't know about me is that I know what they're saying. I understand every phrase they mutter and understand all the cruel taunts they make, not just about me, about everyone here. What's the saying, 'Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me'. Thething that doesn't cover is that broken bones hurt like hell too.

I don't think anything on me's broken right now, well, not bone wise but I'm damaged goods for sure. But this is my way out, keep****thinking about everything, about what they're doing. Like right now, they're preparing for some way of hurting me so they can find out my secrets, you know, the ones I mentioned earlier, but I'm not even thinking about it. Even when I hear noises that scare the shit out of me, metal scraping, wood hitting wood. It don't****bother me.

Besides, can't stop it by worrying about itmayas well just run with the punches. I don't think that's right, you can't run with a punch, but nevermind. Well, maybe you can. You can run at someoneand punch them and hell, that would hurt 'cause you'd have a lot of momentum behind it.

My mind notices that the door to theirlittle torture shed's been opened and someone's come in. They're all behind me and I listen, although I've notmoved a muscle for a while now. They left me on the ground after the beating they gave me and I know if I show any strength at all they'll kick it out of me. I've learnt****to keep a little something back, you never know when you'll need it.

I hear that the new arrival tells the guys to take me back to one of the cages as they've broughtsome new prisoners to interrogate.

Shit.


	2. Chapter 2

'I think out of mind is out of sight.'

My cage is just the way I left it, home away from home.

It's nice in a way that I don't share it, cause sometimes the others sharing a cage have trouble dividing up the rations they get. I don't get much being a one man household, but on the occasion I get a little more than I need, I pass it down to some of the sicker guys. I may be the favorite whipping boy, but before I got here some of these others shared that pleasure and they've been here longer.

Plus some were hurt before they were captured.

Anyway, these unlucky bastards they've just brought in will probably be the VC's new favorite toys, well, unless they sell out. Hmm, maybe they should, it may be a lot easier than all the other crap you have to go through.

Hey, I can hear them coming, so I sit back in the corner of the cage. It don't make no****difference where I sit 'cause they can always reach me, but I'm not gonna make it easy for them, am I?

They're marching in five new guys, splitting them into two groups, three's coming in my cage it looks like and the other two in another one, I can't get the energy up to see where exactly but it don't matter, it's a cage like this one so what the hell does it matter really.

These guys who are joining me in my humble home all look at me like they're waiting for something. The VC say something about having fresh meat and laugh to themselves and then walk away. They like people to get nice and settled into the comfy accommodation's first, the torture comes later.

Having been a little distracted by what the VC are saying, I'd forgotten my guests so I look back to them as they all start to sit down inthe hell that is a POW camp.

I check 'em all out. First guy**'**sa big black guy. It looks like he could've taken these guys on with no problems if they weren't outnumbering us by about 10 to 1 and didn't have guns, but yeah, he looked like he could take care of himself. The next guy's older, looks real serious but pretty non-descript really. The last guy's a young 'un. I feel sorry for him already.

When the older guy looks my way again, I offer a small smile. He returns it. Then extending****his hand, he introduces himself.

"Colonel Smith," his hand, wiping off all the mess that's undoubtedly on it first. "Everyone calls me Hannibal, though."

"Hannibal." I say, nodding my head a little. Nicknames aren't exactly a new thing to pilots.

I decide I best introduce myself now. "Captain Murdock. H.M." I say.

"H.M.? What's that stand for?" he asks.

"Whatever you like." I respond with a small smile. Another small one almost makes one normal one, right?

I'm about to look to the next guy when the sitting position I'm in decided to become too painful. I can't help the pain etched into my face, God, this hurts. Why now? I lay down a bit more, it's a little better, soothes me a little.

"Are you alright?" Hannibal asks.

"S'kinda like asking what colour the rainbow is. No easy answer." I say. It still hurts. "You have a pilot with ya?"

"We got shot down, pilot died on impact." the young looking guy answered. He looks a little uncomfortable, and not just cause of the cage.

Shifting positions again, the pains still there. "What's your names?" I ask, through slightly clenched teeth.

I hear them saying something, but my mind's focusing on the pain. Why's it hurting so much now?

I start tuning them out permanently. I need to get away from this place, just for a little while. I can't sleep with this pain and I can't accept it.

I listen to them talk, but I hear nothing.

I know they're talking to me, asking what's wrong, but I'm going now.

I don't wanna stop here.


	3. Chapter 3

'I was just looking for some peace of mind,'

That's life for you, right?

One minute you'rein your own world, happy for the first time in weeks, months, ever and the next you're being dragged across a hard as concrete ground with people screaming at ya.

I could've done without it, to tell ya the truth.

I know where I'm going, not sure if they think they're going crack me this time, but at least I'll have to put up with being 'here' for this one. Don't think I can get back in when there's so much noise.

The Vietnamese speak so beautifully, but when they shout they sound like, I dunno, roadkill if it were able to shout out it's last moments and tell the person responsible exactly how unhappy it was laying dead by the side of the road.

There's a difference when I'm in the 'shed' this time. There's some new guy. I don't listen to him, even when he speaks straight to me in English, and good English too. I know the score by now. Tell us everything blah, blah, pain, punishment etc. etc. I get it already!

You know what's really bugging me? I'm thinking about those guys' names. I had the chance to listen and drifted away from them and now I don't know who's looking after my home while I'm away, except Hannibal.

He seemed alright, I guess. Hard to say, I didn't give 'em long before I tuned out on them.

Bit rude I suppose, but never mind.

I guess they'll get over it.

* * *

'I just couldn't find a piece of mine.'

You know when all you want is peace and quiet why's there always other people around?

All I wanna do is lay here and die and I can't even do that.

Oh, I'm back in my humble cage now, back with my new buddies.

I wish these guys would just leave, you know, escape already! I'd rather be by myself.

Every time one of themlooks at me, they pity me and I hate it. Theyeven try and help clean up my wounds but I'm not letting anyone touch me.

My back's on fire after they whipped me because a beating on it's ownwasn't bad enough. 'How can we really teach this son of a bitch? He's already half dead, let's kick shit out of him and then whip him.' These guys are real tough. But it's kinda funny that they do all that when I have jack shit to tell 'em. I laugh a little.

Oh, the guests are looking at me a little funny, well, no one minded before if I laughed, ohyeah, they weren't in the same room as me, were they?

The young guy comes a little closer. I wait for him to say something. I look for the pity, but it doesn't come.

He just sits by me. Kinda weird, but I'll leave it, well, was gonna but he lowers himself to me, I'm laid down you see, and starts to speak to me. Can't really take in what he's saying. He's not asking me things, he's telling me stuff.

Random stuff. Anything that comes to his head. Trying to help me, get my mind off what's happening round here.

That's nice. I like these guys. I wish I could take back what I said earlier about not wanting them here. Oh, guess I didn't say it, right, so it doesn't really matter then. Good.


	4. Chapter 4

'They say that pride comes just before a fall,'

"God, I've gone blind." I mumble to myself as I realise I can't see anything.

"Ssshh, you're alright." Whoa, where the hell did that voice come from? Oh, right, the new people.

I try to think of their names, but it's not there right now, you know, in my mind. I don't know where else it would be, s'not like I store information anywhere else. It'd be cool if it was stored somewhere else though, like in your earlobe. Although, that could get loped right off, so maybe that's a bad idea. Mind you, so can your head.

I think back to what was bothering me earlier. Ah, right, no sight.

"I can't see anything." I say again.

"It's alright. It's night-time." Well, I guess that would explain it.

I glance around to where the voice is coming from so I can see who's talking. When I find the source of the voice, I can't see anything. Right, dark.

"Who are you again?" I ask, hell, it might seem rude to them, but I've got a lot on my mind right now.

"I'm Face, remember?" Well, no that's why I asked who you were! I won't say that, though. Now, I remember Hannibal, so it leaves the younger guy or the black guy, so it's one of those two. I don't know which one, though.

"Are you black?"

A slight pause before he answers. "No, I'm white." Aha, he's gotta be the young guy then.

"What's his name?"

"BA, we all call him BA"

Right, so brain or earlobe, you gotta remember that, right? BA. Not hard. Surely I can remember two letters.

"So why aren't you asleep if it's night?" I ask.

"Same reason you aren't." He says. He sounds happy with that answer. I'm not sleeping 'cause I had a dream about what happens in that shed, but, OK, whatever.

I close my eyes, might as well, can't see anything with 'em open.

Repositioning myself in tiredness, I somehow forget about the mess my back'sin, but it soon makes itself known when I go to lay on it. I cry out in pain, it must have been loud 'cause I woke the other two guys up.

I can't see 'em, but I can hear something move.

"Everything OK?" Hannibal asks. I love that name, sounds cool.

"Yeah, it's fine." I realise he's speaking really quietly, I'd not noticed before. But then I realise why. We're having company. Someone's on their way over.

They're speaking in Vietnamese again, but I just act oblivious to it all. I hear the words and fear creeps within me, the threats and promises he's making to me.

I ain't gonna be here much longer, I'll be back in the shed soon.

It's only a matter of time.


	5. Chapter 5

'I have fallen and I wasn't proud.'

I know they took me to the shed, but I really can't remember it.

Before I knew it, I was back in the cage again. Where's all this time going?

So, I'm awake, don't know why 'cause there's nothing here for me.

Oh, I know why I'm awake. I need a piss. Funny thing is, I don't think there's any way in the world I could move from the place where I'm laying, so what the hell, I let the feeling pass through me.

It's a little hard actually. Years of training to wait until you've got your pants dropped before you take a leak and here I am, letting it soak through them.

I can smell my own urine, the stench's a little unbearable, but this whole place smells of shit and piss, a little more of mine ain't gonna hurt.

Plus, it's not like I haven't already done it a billion times since I've been here.

Oh, hey, it's light now. Didn't even notice that. I try to move a little 'cause I can't see anybody.

Before I do much more than move anarm and my head a little, Hannibal moves into my line of sight.

"You're awake." He says. No shit, Sherlock! What's he expect me to say to that. He comes right next to me.

"You've been out a coupla days, kid." Ah, that explains the awake thing.

Still haven't got a response for him though.

"Is he OK, Hannibal?" Anothe one of the guys asks. Now, it's either Face or ... BA. Don't suppose it matters much who.

"He's probably been a lot better." Hannibal replies. That makes me smile a little.

"Anything we can do to help?" The other one asks. That's mighty nice of 'em to offer.

"I think he should get as much rest as he can. There's not a lot we can do for him any more."

Oh, hey, I don't like the sound of that!

Do I look that bad? I wonder what the hell the VC did to me last time.

My memorie's not been great recently. Maybe I should check my ear lobes, just to be sure.

You know what?

Since the first time I was taken into the shed, I've not cared whether I live or die, I just kinda acceptedthe fact that I probably would die. Now thatthere's some guy here, telling everyone that my time's up, I'm damned sure I ain't gonna die here in a shitty little cage, surrounded by strangers and lying in my own shit and piss.

"Hannibal, we need a plan. Badly." Whoever's speaking sounds scared and a little desperate. At least ol' Hannibal ain't just signed your death certificate, pal.

"I'm still working on it."

Ha! That's great. Let your men get weaker and weaker and then come up with a plan that can't be carried out. What a guy!

I close my eyes. They're really tired and gritty. I wanna sleep. I open 'em anyway. Right, gonna sit up now and have a look at things.

I'm not quite a corpse yet.


	6. Chapter 6

'You know that I have fallen further before,'

I never thought the world could turn itself around****like that!

Everything seemed to flip as I began to push myself up, but to hell with it, I said I was gonna sit up and I'm gonna do it.

I don't get 'up' exactly, more like half up before one of these cage invaders comes to my rescue and I feel hands on my shoulders. Boy, they're strong and hurting me.

"BA gently." I hear someone say. Ah, Hannibal. Leader of course.

"Murdock, you need to lie down, gather your strength." Hannibal says. I realise he's there in front of me as I sit in my half up, half down state.

I decide he needs to know my opinions on the matter. "Up." is all I manage.

God, didn't think speaking was that hard.

"Help him sit up slowly." He tells the others.

Oh, wow, I get to actually see them properly. It's hard to see what people really look like from the ground. Best way to celebrate this great accomplishment? Why, throw up everywhere, of course. Not thatthere's a lot there, but whatever I've got comes out and sits mostly on my legs now. A lot of dry heaves are following, which I hate more then anything.

The guy who helped me up, BA, he's still holding me. A lot gentler now.

He's sorta comforting me, shushing me as I try to bring up things that aren't there and I feel ... I don't know. Not better for it, but I think I do feel comforted. A little.

Once I've finished, he carefully leans me back against the bars of the cage. I'm covered in sweat and there's****tears running down my face, the excersion's a little too much for me.

My breath's shakey even though****I'm just sitting there now.

I close my eyes, and start to catch my breath and recover a little. I hear voices and my eyes decide to stay shut for now. What've they gotta say this time? Something about me... not much use anymore. Seems like Hannibal's not the only one who thinks I'm finished. What else?

Oh no, they're looking for my replacement. That makes me open my eyes.

It's the same shit they did before they brought me into the shed for the first time.

They look to the cage we're all sitting in. I hear them reel of a perfect description of Face. He'sscrewed.

My mind's going crazy. I don't want them to take him, I know what they'll do when he's in there. It might just be a softening up session this time, but after that it starts getting heavy.

As they come over to the cage, one of them glances at me, sneering something I pay no attention to to his friend. I smile as he looks at me. Then, for the first time, I let them in on****a secret.

I know what they'resaying.

I look one of them in the eye and tell him his mother's a whore in Vietnamese.

I'm not sure who's more shocked, the guys in the cage with me or the guards.

I don't care. I may have looked half dead to those guys and Hannibal, but they've got a long way to go before they kill me off.


	7. Chapter 7

'I just cannot stand falling no more'

You know, for someone who faced a pretty mean interrogation, I'm feeling damn good about myself.

Actually, I thought when I was taken to the shed, they'd kick ten types of shit out of me, but it was all questions. I'm not sure if they're a little put off right now. They've tried beating information out of me, but they've gotten nowhere.

I know they've got more party tricks up their sleeves, but now they're thinking this guy knows more than we thought he knew, so they wanna get it outta me before they kill me, and if they keep beating on me they'll just end up with a body and no answers.

But to hell with them, right now I'm feelin' better than I have in a long time. And, back in my cage, I'm sitting up again. Howabout that!

I knew I'd be able to do it, well, I was always a stubborn bastard.

I can tell Hannibal's dying to know more about me. He keeps looking my way, but he never says anything. Jus' looks for a while and then talks to the other guys. We haven't talked much, me and them. I think they're a little freaked by my stunt yesterday or, maybe it was the day before. Well, whenever it was, it's not everyday you expect people to start blurting out a foreign language now is it? 'Specially when they showed no sign of speaking it before then.

Something off in the distance stops me from thinking about random stuff and I try to pinpoint what itwas that I saw. I squint a little as I look off into the dense trees in the distance. Seeing nothing, I begin to believe it's my imagination, but then I see something again.

Certain this time, I watch discreetly.

Oh baby, looks like a rescue mission's got here at last.

I listen for a chopper. If they're here, there's gotta be one round somewhere. Can't hear it yet, but I know it'll get here.

Pilot's won't letcha down.

* * *

'If I am good I could add years to my life,'

The guys in the cage with me looked a little freaked when I suddenly show more life in me than I have the entire time I've been here with them. Don't know how long that is exactly, but they still weren't expecting it.

I grab the one nearest to me, Face, and tell him what I've seen, quietly as I can just in case anyone who shouldn't be listening is.

"Rescue." I say to the kid whose jacket I'm holding tightly onto.

His eyes go wide like he'd never imagined that it would happen. He looks to Hannibal and BA, wanting to convey the message to them, but there isn't time.

There's a flurry of movement and then noise, loud banging and men shouting.

It's a mixed up mess and I can't keep up with it.

I'm trying to watch, see who's winning 'cause if we lose... we can't though.

We just have to win.

As I watch, it's like someone's taking me futher away from here.

Everything's getting quieter and I can't hear what's happening.

Are we winning?

Is it over?


	8. Chapter 8

I hurt.

Have I been in that damn shed again?

The thought hits me then and I remember. A rescue.

Have they forgotten me?

Did we get beaten?

I don't wanna be in the cage anymore.

I bolt upright and make the biggest mistake I've made in a while.

"Jesus." Someone says.

Nausea hits me badly.

My stomach feels like it's been trod on and my head spins wildly, like it's just spun 360.

"I gottcha." A familiar voice says, but my eyes are too tightly squeezed shut to see who's speaking to me. "Just take some deep breaths, stay clam, you're OK." he continues.

My breathing's rapid and not steady and I concentrate on steadying it best I can. Just don't think about the feeling in my stomach and how dreadful I really feel, keep breathing. Eventually, things steady and I open my eyes a little.

Things around me look normal. Not normal like they've been for the weeks or months I've been at that camp but before that. Before any of that shit happened.

The guy with me is that Face kid. I can't remember whether I've known his name all along or what, but I just know that's who it is. He's looking at me kinda intently, watching me carefully. He smiles a little when I look at him. Is he trying to reassure me, or is he just being nice?

"Feel a little better now?" He asks me.

Dumb ass question. Do I feel better now I'm at a clean hospital rather than in a disgustion POW camp. I go to bite back, but something stops me.

I'm not there any more. That anger that was helping me through seems to be evaporating as I lay here. I made it.

Realising that the guys still waiting for an answer, I nod my head a little, careful of my actions from earlier.

"Do you want anything?" He asks. He looks to something off to the side and I look round too. I see Hannibal and B.A over at the door, waiting for Face to join them.

"Unless you've got a collection of Superman comics up your ass, I think I'll be okay."

He smiles at me. "I gotta go. I'll see ya soon." He stands up and I watch him leave.

My smile fades slowly as I watch him join the other two men. I get this feeling that I won't be seeing them again. Not sure why that makes me sad, but it does. You know what they say, misery loves company and I start searching for some.

I scan the people around me, all resting in the hospital beds. There's no one I really recognise, so I turn to the guy in the closest bed. I smile at him brightly and ask "What're you in for?"

'Standing space is all the space I can stand, gravity just keeps on keeping me down'

The days start drifting into one, endless boring day, the boredom only ceasing when I sleep. That's when the nightmares turn up and they're not great, but I can handle some crappy dream. I mean, the stuff that happens in the dream is usually just some weirder version of what actually happened to me anyway and I managed to live through that.If you can call this living.

I've noticed something change in me recently. It feels almost dangerous, but it's hard to tell. I never felt this way in the camps, or before. But now I'm out I'm feeling different.

The nurse has been encouraging me to discuss my feelings with the doctor, but I've heard them talk about shrinks and I'm not going down that road.

I guess I was kinda on a high when we first got back and now the trip back to reality is a long, boring one. It's lonely too. Not that I care about that. My own company suits me fine, but I can't get released from this god damn hospital and that's just frustrating.

I feel okay really. If they'd let me outta here, I'd feel a whole lot better. Ah, screw 'em anyway, I'll get out of here one way or another. Just wish I didn't have so much thinking time at the moment.

"Captain?" A voice near me startles me a little. Hadn't noticed anyone approach. I see it's the Hannibal guy. He looks well. Better than stuck in a camp.

"Colonel." I reply. Did he tell me he was a Colonel before? I notice the rank on the uniform, but some of the stuff I can't remember is weird.

"You're looking better. I guess you'll be out of here in a matter of days, huh?" He asks me.

I simply shrug my shoulders. I'm the last to know anything here. "Well I hope you are because you've been assigned to fly several missions with my team and I'd quite like you out of a hospital bed by then."

I was a little surprised by the news, but tried not to show it. Maybe this was some type of test. "What's the catch?" I ask, wondering if they're planning on sticking me in to see a shrink first before I can fly any more.

"No catch." Hannibal assures me. He looks serious enough, before he remembers something and reaches around to his back pocket. "Face wanted me to pass these on to you. He says he hopes you like 'em." Hannibal said.

I reach for what he's holding out and look at it. Superman comics. Three comics in great condition. I feel a smile tug at my lips.

"He said not to worry, he didn't get them out of his ass." He looked almost as surprised as I was at the laugh that came from me. I couldn't help it. "Look, when you get out of here, come and find me. I'm sure you'll be out any day now. Then we can go through the first mission. I'll leave you to your comics and I'll see you soon."

I watch Hannibal walking away. Maybe I haven't seen the last of those guys.

And that thought gives me a little hope, that maybe I'm not done for. I've got a mission with those guys, a reason to carry on.

Something to live for.

The End


End file.
